By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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