i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
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