Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I want her autograph on my taint
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
