i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Randomize
