Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
