Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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