Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
