a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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