rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
