im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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