Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
