She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
