omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
