imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
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