He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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