Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
