I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
