I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
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