don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
