We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize
