Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
