Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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