you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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