I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
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