What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
