I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
