Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off