just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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