She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
