everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
