yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
