The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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