So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
