I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
