Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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