I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
