It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
