I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
