Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Do vagina's smell?
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
