Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
