well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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