i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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