Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
