apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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