the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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