I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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