Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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