I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
