but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Randomize
