Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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