He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
