I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
