I think I just saw someone hide a body.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I still have a little drunk in my system
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Randomize
