last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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