also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Is it because I queefed?
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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