There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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