its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
