The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
he told me I talked like a deaf person
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
