Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
